An alternative to self injury



Sometimes when I feel the urge to self-injure, I make a collage with a photo editor instead. I don't expect anybody to understand the significance of any of these images, but basically, I guess it represents how trapped I felt in my abusive marriage . . . that and other things . . . but that's the gist of it . . .

More Bandages, More Burns, More Pills

Went to the burn specialist on Friday & got fresh new bandages for the 3rd degree burns on my thighs.  Did I learn my lesson? Time will tell. 

I was badly triggered over the week-end and did a few more minor burns to complete the circle around my navel.  I called the supposed "crisis line,"  but it didn't do me any good.  The lady fed me a bunch of bullshit about "letting go of the pain."  Yeah, well, that's easier said than done and when body memories hit .... this is what happens . . .

So, tonight (12-4) I'm adding some Vicodin (5) to my usual night-time cocktail of pills and I'm escaping reality.  Does this fix anything? No.  Will it make it harder for me to wake up for work in the morning? Yes.  But for the time being, at least it will keep me from burning myself any more tonight (I'll be in La La land instead).  So here's to LA LA LAND!  Cheers!

Beginning to Heal

November 27 Right thigh

November 27 Left thigh

December 1 Right Thigh

December 1 Left Thigh

As you can see, the burns are beginning to heal, but they hurt LIKE HELL constantly and there's nothing I can do about it.  I go back to the burn center tomorrow to have them rechecked and I'm going to ask them if they can give me something for the pain.   I've tried Advil by the handfull and that doesn't do a bit of good.  As for emotional healing?  That will take longer, I suspect.  I'm still trying to understand why it is that I would inflict such horrible pain on myself purposely. 

3rd Degree Cigarette Burns - Day 5 ish

2-3 days after inflicting this second layer of burns on my upper thighs, I did seek medical attention at a local Emergency Room.  They peeled away all the dead skin and said "at least you've kept them clean and the burns are not infected."   The ER referred me to a local burn center for further treatment, because they said my burns were of the 3rd degree (i.e. deep tissue damage) and would need special treatment.  The burn center didn't really do anything that the ER didn't.  All they did was tell me to keep applying the Silvadene   (a prescription ointment specifically for burns), to change the dressings once a day, and to keep the dressings clean and dry.  The burns themselves aren't so painful because of the tissue & nerve damage.  Ironically, what's hurting me the most right now are the burns on my abdomen that are almost completely healed.  I know that I have to stop doing this.  It's not productive.  But I guess at the time I did it, it was the only way I thought I could express how I was feeling. 

Third Degree Burns to Thighs - Day 1

 

As the wounds around my navel area began to heal to the point that I no longer needed to bandage them, I revisited the burn sites on my thighs.  The result was 3rd degree burns on both upper thighs.  I don't recommend this for several reasons:

a) it doesn't hurt much because you've destroyed all the nerves from such deep burns

b) medical and psychiatric professionals tend to think you've "lost it" because of such serious injury

Self-inflicted Cigarette burns to abdomen - Day 2

As the burns on my thighs began to heal, I found a new place to burn -- around my belly button.  It was somewhat troublesome, as the bandages would rub on my pants and there is pretty much constant pain whenenever I have pants on because of the waistband rubbing on the burns.

Intentional Cigarette Burns on Stomach - Day 1

I guess I was a little more upset when I did this, because I held the cigarette in place longer and the burns were more severe.  I chose the navel area because it wouldn't be readily visible and I knew it would be extremely sensitive and painful.  I even extinguished several cigarettes in my belly button.  Part of this was reliving a past trauma, in a way.  That's a long story.  Anyhow, this is how ugly it looked on day 1.

Cigarette Burns Starting to Heal

This is how the burns look about 4-5 days afterward.  They are starting to heal quite nicely, but still itch like crazy. 

Cigarette Burns on Flesh - after about 4 days

This is how it looks after the burns start to heal a bit (3-4 days after the initial cigarette burns).  At this point, the burned area starts to itch like crazy.  I was in counseling at this time and my therapist was aware of my having burned myself.  I was very close to being hospitalized, she said, if I didn't gain control of this self-destructive behavior.  I treated the burns by cleansing with peroxide, applying a special burn gel, and covering the burns with gauze that I taped in place.  I was afraid to seek medical attention because I thought they might try to admit me for in-patient psychiatric treatment.

Cigarette Burn on Flesh - Day 2

This is how it looked the day after I had burned myself with a lit cigarette. 

Cigarette Burns on Flesh - Day 1

This is how it looked on day 1, shortly after burning myself with a lit cigarette.

Stick Pins Through Flesh

This is one of my favorite methods of self-injury because there's minimal bleeding, minimal scarring, and maximum pain (temporarily).  Healing time is fast.  However, you must be sure to sanitize your pins before using them (use either rubbing alcohol or peroxide) and cleanse the wounds thoroughly afterwards with peroxide.  The scar that you can see underneath the pins is from an earlier gash that I'd put in my thigh that had required several layers of stitches (because I had cut all the way through to the muscle and nearly to the bone).